How to Love an Axe Murderer
by Talliya
Summary: Quatre gets revenge on Duo for planting the 'Axe Murderer' criteria in Heero's head before their first date.


_**I do not own any rights to Gundam Wing or its characters. This work is not for profit. This work is a continuation of Kangofu_CB's 'Hypnotic'.**_

Quatre and Heero had been dating for several months now and if he had to say so Quatre would say it was going rather well. At one point he had asked Heero what he felt his qualifications for a relationship were. He had found out that going to bed on the first date wasn't something the man had ever done before, which made him supremely happy and had him blushing for days afterwards at the simple mention of Heero's name. The 'qualifications' however were much more straightforward and understandable. Though Quatre had had to admit that Duo's questions about if Heero's dates were interesting people was what Heero probably should have been looking for first.

They spoke in length about Heero's thesis and how the technology might actually work. And all the while Quatre held a slight grudge against his best friend's boyfriend for the 'How to Determine if your Date is an Axe Murderer' book that had made his and Heero's initial date awkward. But he'd been willing to wait and see if he and Heero would work out for sure before he plotted his revenge.

However, now was the witching hour of said revenge. He had made a call to an old friend, who instead of following in her family's footsteps and becoming a political figure or manufacturing gigantic machinery, had become a publicist. Dorothy was intrigued by his idea and cast about for a writer to write them a devilishly boring book.

Quatre and Dorothy worked closely with a young Miss Sylvia Noventa on the most boring yet interestingly titled book the universe had ever seen. When all was said and done it was a twenty chapter, four hundred page, 'how-to' book about getting the perfect date and keeping them. Every explanation was mind-numbingly technical and delved into the realm of psychosis and how relationships were viewed by either side of the 'dating' couple. It had statistics, charts, new theories on why humans felt the need to be in relationships and the how-to's of various ways to kiss and have oral sex. The whole line up of the karmasutra was in the later chapters about 'How to Maintain an Active Sexual Relationship' and 'Getting it up, and What It Takes'.

It was the best joke book Quatre had ever seen. But it also wouldn't be a waste of Miss Noventa's time either. He was sure there were plenty of people who would find great value in the book after it hit stores. Quatre made sure that the little cafe that himself, Heero, Trowa, and Duo all regularly frequented had one of the first copies on its shelves after publication. He had spent no small amount of time and money on the project after all, he wanted to be absolutely sure that his victim would see it. So he placed it prominently on the counter beside the cash register the day he invited Trowa and Duo on a double date with Heero and himself.

If Duo had seen the book on the counter - boldly titled 'How to Love and Axe Murderer' - he didn't comment on it when they all sat down to eat. Quatre was hard pressed to keep the smirk off his face through lunch as he noticed Duo constantly looking back up to the counter with a quizzical look on his face.

A few weeks later Duo was pounding on his door his face flushed and Heero and Trowa behind him obviously hiding laughter. "Can I do something for you Duo?"

"You, you, you-!" Duo threw a copy of 'How to Love an Axe Murderer' at him, Quatre catching it out of reflex and small laugh escaping him before he could control it. "What the hell man! What is with that dedication? And why'd you put it in the back of the book you sneaky bastard!?"

Quatre's face screwed up as he fought with himself not to begin laughing, as he may never stop once started. "Why don't you all come in and sit down. Would you like coffee, tea?"

Duo spluttered his large violet eyes a mixture of horrified anger and a sneaking feeling of pride in his friend. Trowa had to gently push him into the living room and down onto the sofa. Heero followed Quatre to the small kitchen and kissed him hungrily before snatching the book away with a smirk and heading for his favorite chair where he opened said book to the dedication and read it with a straight face. "To one Duo Maxwell for allowing the current source of my affections to initially think I could be an axe murderer. I love him dearly, but you... you I could take an axe to sometimes. I hope you enjoy this self-help book written with you in mind. ~Quatre Winner (Not the author of this book, but the reason it was written.)"

Quatre couldn't take it anymore, he burst out laughing joined by both Heero and Trowa. Duo sat there on his sofa and pouted while they laughed, which just made it better and had Quatre laughing harder. Once he had calmed down a bit he moved over and draped himself over Heero's shoulders from behind the chair and grinned over at Duo. "We were in the middle of a heated kiss and Heero asked me if I was an axe murderer. That was entirely your fault Duo. I feel my revenge is justified."

Duo blinked as Heero's cheeks reddened, "You seriously asked him that?"

Heero nodded, "I also told him after..." He cleared his throat, "After that even if he was an axe murderer that it was worth it."

Now it was Quatre's turn to blush, but the dumbfounded look on Duo's face more than made up for all of it.

"Dude, remind me to never piss you off." Duo muttered as he shook his head at them all, Trowa's raised brow had him continuing, "Well if he'll go out and have a book written and published just for this? I don't think I want to know what he's capable of when he is truly angry and not just amusedly irritated."

That set the rest of them off again, but Quatre had to accede that he had a point. "When did you buy it?"

Duo blushed, "Last week, the title was interesting! Especially after the book I bought for Heero."

"Ha ha, I knew that would reel you in." Quatre smirked at him.

"We've actually been testing out some of the things in there. It's really not a bad book, though rather boorish to read." Trowa commented making Duo's blush darker.

"So, you just reached the end of the book then?" They both nodded and Quatre started giggling again.

"It really is the perfect revenge for allowing my analytical self to start basing my dating on whether or not my date could be an axe murderer." Heero stated deadpan.

Quatre snorted and bent his head to look at Heero, "I could kiss you right now."

Heero smirked and flipped the book to a new page, "You're very welcome to. There's a detailed list right here on page 269 of the best ways to kiss."

Not even Duo could hold back his laughter over the situation after that particular by-play, he was glad that Heero and Quatre seemed to click so well. "Could I have that tea now?"


End file.
